Ready to Farewell

Sembari menunggu salah seorang teman  yang sedang potong rambut di salon Park Jun di Shinchon, muncul keinginan menulis tiba-tiba. Dan aku sudah merasa teralienasi dari Seoul, dari Korea. Aku sudah merasa asing dan bukan penguni Korea lagi. Aku sudah siap mengucapkan selamat tinggal. Kalimat terakhir tadi adalah hal yang aku rasakan sekarang. Hal yang kurasakan seminggu lalu. Bahwa aku sudah siap meninggalkan Seoul. Tapi tidak ada istilah ‘siap’ dalam mengucapkan selamat tinggal. Tidak ada kata ‘siap’ dalam perpisahan.

Dua hari yang lalu, aku berpisah dengan seorang teman setelah kami jalan bareng. Selamat jalan, sampai di sini, dan permohonan maaf atas segala tindakan yang pernah dilakukannya padaku yang mungkin menyakitiku keluar dari mulutnya.

‘Saya juga, maafkan kalau ada kesalahan saya.”

Aku ingin sekali mengatakan itu. Tapi aku tidak mengatakan apa-apa.

Kami berpisah begitu saja.

Tidak ada yang istimewa.

Malamnya, hari itu juga, temanku ini menelpon. Mengajakku mengerjakan suatu proyek bersama meskipun aku sudah kembali ke Indonesia nantinya. Aku menyambut tawaran itu. Dan ia mengakhiri telponnya.

“Ya udah, ya. Assalamu’alaikum.”

“‘Alaikum salam wr. wb.” balasku dengan suara kecil dan bergetar.

Dan tiba-tiba saja, aku ingin menangis. Dan tiba-tiba saja, semua kebaikan yang pernah dilakukannya untukku berputar kembali seperti film di benakku.

Terima kasih,

untuk bantuan selama aku mengajar di sini

untuk mendengarkan dan menuruti semua kata-kata dan permintaanku

untuk pengorbanan yang kau lakukan,

terima kasih.

Aku ingin sekali mengatakan semua itu. Tapi pada akhirnya, aku tidak bisa mengatakan apa-apa.

Aku menutup telpon itu. Lalu menangis dengan baik. Suasana perpisahan begitu kuat bagiku malam itu. Mungkin karena esok harinya aku akan pindah ke tempat lain. Mungkin juga karena aku akan berpisah dengan Seoul. Dan berpisah dengan teman-temanku yang sudah begitu baik selama ini. Dan semua itu menciptakan tekanan yang tidak mampu kutampung. The pressure of farewell was so strong that my heart could not contain it. 

I was surprised by the fact that tears bursted through my eyes.

I was surprised  by the fact that, aku merasa kehilangan.

I have nothing to regret. 

Hari ini langit mendung, dan udara tidak lagi sedingin hari-hari sebelumnya.

Yonsei tetap kelabu dan berkabut.

Seperti tepat dua tahun lalu, ketika aku datang ke Yonsei untuk pertama kali untuk program masterku.

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..

Menghadapi semuanya sendiri bukan hal yang mudah ya

apalagi menjadi dewasa

kembali ke masa kecilpun tak mungkin

masa-masa itu, tidak akan pernah kembali

pahadal aku tak bisa melupakan fraksi-fraksi memori

tapi tak mungkin ia kembali

ya?

“There’re Must Times and Places He Was In. Please, Tell Me What You Remember About Him! Share Me Your Memories”─Watanabe Hiroko (Love Letter, 1995)

Thirty something, I have never been. Line of age when people know for sure with whom they have this kind of ‘connection’. I’m twenty something. I’m twenty one. In this age, let me tell you my friends, you’ll have this vivid description of the future you always dream of, excitement for every new adventure, challenge, desire, always ready for each surprising pain, anger, fear and anxiety. You’re so full of fuel of life, passion, as always. Yet your brain has started to, gradually, erasing past. Names, places, faces, and grudges, perhaps warmth.

Idiot!

Didn’t I say don’t you ever go?!

Because, I, not yet, have forgotten you, all of you. Places I, once, ever been, with all of you. I have pretty clear description about my past. Lots of fractions of individuals, places, things, I never forget. Let me freeze it. The way a camera freezes memories. The way cold freezes water into snow. The way love freezes hatred…

There were places I was in. Overwhelmed with warmths, loves, adventurous desires, and friendship. Those few people and groups I have this kind of ‘connection’. People who care about me. People, who, when I was sitting beside them, make me feel astonishingly comfortable. People I meet perhaps once in the incredibly long continuum of the history of the stars. Not all groups I could mention. Only those filled my heart with wamth. Only those, forever, I will fill my heart with. Only those I could always be honest to. Let me freeze the memories.

Childhood friends: Aan, Rani ‘keres’, Fani ‘kepa’’, Ipung ‘bunddhuh’, Handri ‘leto’’, Iyus, Ivan, Fitri ‘celleng’, Ria ‘lonjong’, and of course me, Nana ‘jober’ (hmmmffffphhh huahahaha). The everlasting friendship, the purity of childhood innocence, the memory of early life. Fun, loyal, ready-to-sacrifice individuals, I have here. I don’t even have a picture with all of us in one frame.

ASEAN DJU 2007. Icha, Zaza, Joe, Hajar, Horebhe, Ngan, Nary. Ah, finally I found place where I could learn tolerance, respect, differences. Smart, loving, helpful, positive-thinking individuals.

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AFL KU 2008. Ha, Henri, Jecel, Nannie, Ganaa. Definitely ambitious persons, full of dreams, courages, big-hearted people.

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DJU Korean Language class. Len, Hajar, Tanya, Freda, Dave, Nadine, Ken. Good partners in learning totally new language for sure. Unique and lovely.
KU Korean Language class. Hazeki, Tiffany, Si Lue. Travelers, international, open, fun, accepting individuals.

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Komedian (Anak-Anak Komed 2006, even tough I, personally, am batch 2005). Ika, Dinar, Rousta, Afra, Temin, Marsya, Eko, Supri. Hard-workers, accepting, open-minded, competitive, fun! Great partners in discussion for sure. I’m loving it.

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And, ELQI Geng. Mba Aya, Mba Rosmet, Mba Mida, Yeyen. Warm-hearted, simple, fun, place to laugh and cry, remembrance of Allah, helping each other in good deeds and patience.

Every group creates this special, unique atmosphere everytime I was in, which I like. I learned something from each of them. Filling my grades of life with improvement.

I won’t talk nonsense.

I have no intention of going back to the past. This only my gratitude and respect for those I call ‘my groups’. The groups themselves are profound. Knowing each individual in the groups give you an add value of knowing incredible personalities, I guarantee. Because it’s ‘the group’.

Thank you!

Groups!

Missing you tons!

“What is Lost is Lost” – Celine, Before Sunset

I let go everything this January. literally, i mean! School, Depok, being with my pals in there, the campus world. I was thinking that i’m not gonna be in madura for a month, such a lng time, as for me who used to spend like no more than 2 weeks in my hometown, especially without my camera. Hah! why the heck i didn’t bring my camera? Perhaps becoz i din think i was going to spend more time in my home. but i did.

The first week, and.. okay, until now, the last day in my hometown this month, I still feel kind of empty feeling without my cam, and my personal journal (don’t ask me why i din bring this one also!). The feeling of loosing things, loosing memories. I can’t stop thinking, whenever i’m havin great time full of laughters or juz small things like nice orange sky in the afternoon, that if i don’t document anything those moments are gone. and they are, forever gone. What is lost is lost.

Well, i love documenting. Everything! There are so many times and places in which i feel like i want to feel them again someday. the same feeling, the same passion. I know i’ll never be able to do that. Becoz moments happen only once in the whole history life of the stars. Even if the same individuals do meet again, moments will never be replayed.

So, really, this one month, i juz do, enjoy, and love. with those special individuals. Well, this month will be My Dad, Mom, Aan (A childhood friend), Sol ( A friend since junior high), Yusar, Epi’, and other relatives i spent time wif. And i still enjoyed doing small things my self. Reading books under the tree, opening old books, painting, diaries, even doing laundry and cleaning, hahaha. really!

I can never have those moments back, though. But i have it, they will always be mine, and no one can ever pull it away form me. And yeah, i finished a short story about an individual. A special one. Wish me i can publish it someday.