Lost in the Spring

I never like spring.

It’s just  a season when flowers bloom and the world looks so pretty.

like an ecstasy, so fake and short, covering all the wounds and scars under. So people will not focus anymore to their feelings. Stop being honest and so much detached from reality. Their own feelings. Because the petals are so illusionist, like a layer bringing people to hallucinate. Free from reality. Lies on their eyes, and they don’t even understand how fool they are.

Spring is never my favorite.

for me it’s too artificial and too short,  like a pretty girl that left me no impression. For envious reason, haha. Like a pretty boy that’s bitter. Bitter and mischievous.

But I’d like to enjoy being mischief once in a while. Blur in the soft  layers of pinkiesh cherry blossom. Just to thank what I have today.

But if,

if I lost spring this year,

I couldn’t.

I couldn’t see my self loosing spring.

Even if I’m alone this year.

I think about someone I want to be with this spring.

And see how spring is so much mischievous. I no longer think of that someone.

It was just spring and me.

even if it’s natural artificial, I want to be this year,

lost in the spring.

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Sacrifice

I didn’t tolerate changes.

I wanted to have what I wanted, no matter what. Always.

But I guess life will be so much painful if I do.

Sacrifice is painful. Yes.

The feeling of pain when you do not get what you have always wanted.

I learned my lesson this year.

On January 2010, I had my graduation ceremony in Universitas Indonesia. It was once in a life time graduation of my undergraduate life. Yet, I don’t remember anything special from that day. It was fast and full of people. My cousin and her friend were there for me. I got two bucket of flowers in my arms, and presence of my friends. One of them even said,

“You’re graduated, you’re having your master degree in Korea under scholarship, and you already got two buckets of flowers. How perfect your life is”, and she kissed me on cheek.

But people I always wanted to be there were not there. My Dad, Mom, sister and her children. Dad was very ill and he could not walk. Mom had to be there for Dad. And my sister got to be there for her kids who needed to go to school.

My best friends were not there.

My childhood friend must canceled his intent to attend because he had an interview.

I was crying the night before, knowing this.

But it was the point when I learned to let go. Ikhlas, a wise word in Islamic term.

I want to be in my hometown now. Be there for Dad who is sick and old. For Mom. With my sister and her children, doing small things. Gardening, cleaning, reading, laying beside Dad and talk to him, resting my head on Mom’s shoulder.

I asked Dad, “If you want me to be here with you, I will give up my master”.

But he said, no. You go for it! Be the best there! I’m always proud of you. Take a good care of Islam, of your pride as a woman, of your attitude. I’ll be always praying for you.

And to the airport even, Dad and Mom could not make as the usual ritual they do whenever I go to foreign country, be in the airport. I must go with my cousin and her family. I had to give up Dad and Mom for Dad’s illness.

I was crying also.

But I got my lesson.

To let go.

Ikhlas.

If not, I would only hurt my self.

And I did not want to do that. Because I love my self, and Mom and Dad love me. And because I love them. So I will go, yes. Toward an unknown future. With ikhlas.

And I think i start to get use to living here in Korea.

Nothing is perfect.

So being grateful is ultimate.

Because I love my self. And I love You, who made me.