I feel bad.
This is my bad.
I think I use most of my time thinking about something I do not have. Thinking how many percent I could achieve more, I could get more, I can have some more. I complaint too often too. Shakin my mind with something unreasonably ridiculous, like why should I live in this country, where hundreds of millions of people are living in poverty, yet they never know what it means to be the poor. To be free in some ways. Free to actually wake up in a very early dawn, wash their faces and pray, perhaps preparing foods they are going to sell today, or whom they are going to meet, or what kind of jokes people going to talk along the street they walk through. And be grateful for what they belong and belong to.
I complaint too much. For every not-too-low-but-under-target marks I get, a little too salty food, a-getting-dirty pair of shoes, critiques, even a-disturbing sound in the middle of the night.
I realize sometime ago. When every small thing does change my mood. Every small spark does lighting up darkness. Every small happiness does make a happy life. And I am happy.
I am grateful.
And I am more alive then before.
Should I be going
to a neverland
white clicketty clack world
of two years ago
Before I saw things differently
Before I knew I will lost part of me
how would it not?
it took me part of my memory
to be a broken-hearted forever
put all romanticism into that thing
it took me a life time to dispatch
It was marvelous, tough
one of the bests
perhaps the nobles
in four days I’ll be through for more
like two years ago
possibly with totally different scent
Memangnya kenapa kalau aku menulis tanpa tema?
lantas kenapa jika judulpun aku tak punya?
Aku bukan benci
hanya bosan mendengar dunia berbicara soal standar,
yang bahkan aku tak pernah memikirkan jawabannya
Aku bukan tak mengerti
apalagi kalian mengingatkan aku selalu
Jadi biarkan aku menikmatinya
sendiri kali ini
biarkan aku berpikir
menata untuk diriku
Aku tengah menjelma
menjadi lebih besar
untuk itu aku butuh rencana
hal yang lebih besar dari segalanya
di atas segalanya
untuk itu juga
haruskah aku punya jawabannya?