Gratitude

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I feel bad.

This is my bad.

I think I use most of my time thinking about something I do not have. Thinking how many percent I could achieve more, I could get more, I can have some more. I complaint too often too. Shakin my mind with something unreasonably ridiculous, like why should I live in this country, where hundreds of millions of people are living in poverty, yet they never know what it means to be the poor. To be free in some ways. Free to actually wake up in a very early dawn, wash their faces and pray, perhaps preparing foods they are going to sell today, or whom they are going to meet, or what kind of jokes people going to talk along the street they walk through. And be grateful for what they belong and belong to.

Mee mee

I complaint too much. For every not-too-low-but-under-target marks I get, a little too salty food, a-getting-dirty pair of shoes, critiques, even a-disturbing sound in the middle of the night.

I realize sometime ago. When every small thing does change my mood. Every small spark does lighting up darkness. Every small happiness does make a happy life. And I am happy.

I am grateful.

And I am more alive then before.

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Year 2007

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Should I be going

once more

to a neverland

white clicketty clack world

of two years ago

Before I saw things differently

Before I knew I will lost part of me

small one

but essential

how inevitable

irreversible

how would it not?

it took me part of my memory

cursed me

to be a broken-hearted forever

I did

put all romanticism into that thing

hopes

passion

it took me a life time to dispatch

It was marvelous, tough

one of the bests

perhaps the nobles

in four days I’ll be through for more

like two years ago

possibly with totally different scent

that thing

was

year 2007

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Memangnya kenapa kalau aku menulis tanpa tema?

lantas kenapa jika judulpun aku tak punya?

Aku bukan benci

hanya bosan mendengar dunia berbicara soal standar,

pertanyaan-pertanyaan

yang bahkan aku tak pernah memikirkan jawabannya

Aku bukan tak mengerti

apalagi kalian mengingatkan aku selalu

bahkan selamanya

Aku manusia

unfalsifiable fact

Jadi biarkan aku menikmatinya

sendiri kali ini

biarkan aku berpikir

menata untuk diriku

Aku tengah menjelma

menjadi lebih besar

lebih kuat

untuk itu aku butuh rencana

butuh tujuan

hal yang lebih besar dari segalanya

di atas segalanya

hanya Tuhan

aku percaya

untuk itu juga

haruskah aku punya jawabannya?